If You Had One Ounce of Integrity Left, You Would Break It Off Immediately...Before You Hurt the Poor Girl.

I've never been the most confident girl in the world, but I haven't really put myself down as much as I have in the past month or so. I guess the thing that surprises me the most is the fact that college is what made me question myself and the way I looked. The people here and the way we all socialize really made me see that girls like me are never really accepted into that certain lifestyle that most girls are so graciously brought into. I always thought my own self-esteem was enough for me to get through these 4 years feeling like a million bucks. The ex boyfriend didn't help, neither did his friends; always asking why he was dating "that fat and ugly chick." As you can see my confidence took a rather 180 degree turn at that point. Ever since then, it's been hard to trust guys again with my self-esteem, and as much as people say "you're beautiful, and you're fantastic, and you're perfect the way you are," you're not me. And about 75% of these people don't really know what it's like to be in my position. I'm not trying to turn down the compliments, it helps to hear these things, but again I have to look in the mirror at someone I never really wanted to be. As much as I tell myself I'm a beautiful girl, the person who wants to believe it is farther away and the other side of me keeps putting me down. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity, it's my own damn fault that I'm like this. I'm just SUPER lazy. Obviously. I want to work out, I want to eat better, I want to be a skinny girl...you know I don't care whether or not I'll be skinny. I'm a big girl but i just want to be healthy and pretty. I don't want to be the pretty girl's "fat friend." I guess that is what's been bottled up lately.

I know I'll get my confidence back, and I know I'll think myself beautiful again, but it's just been really hard lately. Don't worry your little heads though. Maybe all I need is a little shopping, make myself feel better. :-)

Also, I've been starting to feel very isolated from the rest of my "friends." I don't know if that is my doing or just not being "cool enough" to be invited to things. But I guess it's just shown me who's who here and that college is no different from the high school cliques I tried to avoid.

I'm so proud of my best friends from back home, because no matter how much time apart we spend or who we hang out with now, it will never change the history we have had since high school. I love you Kristyona and Kaitlynn. I can't wait to spend countless hours in cars talking about the most random stuff we can think of.

Kristyona: I'm so proud of you for graduating! You are so amazing and you'll be the best at whatever you decide to do in your future. Cupcake and Lollipop forever.


*Title quote from Shallow Hal*

Kaitlynn: I can't even express to you how proud of you I am. You are a rock star and great friend, and you probably understand me the best. I love you so much, and thank you for being who you are. Kakes, you'll always, ALWAYS get my avocado on my Avocado Tostado Deluxe. :-)

I'm Sorry That I Didn't Build You A Stronger Ship.

So I'm not entirely sure how to start this blog...though I just started it anyways. Well it's been on my mind lately that some friends are worth keeping and some are always going to take the back seat in things. It's an ugly truth I'd hate to admit but it really is what it is. I'm going to be completely honest in this blog post so you go ahead and hate on me if you want but It's how I feel and I'm tired of being a pushover with people. I'm 21 years old and it is really time for me to start acting like it. I always seem to go on Facebook and see all these young kids say stuff like, "Going to the mall with my Bestie _____!" or "Hanging out with the Best Friend _____" or my favorite.... "I love my best friend _____! BFF's." Then I start to notice that those names change every 6 months, 4 months, 2 months, month, weeks,  days, HOURS even. It's really unnerving to see that just like that, you're no longer "best friends" with these people. Whatever happened to BFF's ACTUALLY being BFF's. I mean I can understand the situational circumstances where there are serious fights or moves or just busy lives away from each other. HOWEVER, I do not and will not be persuaded to believe that you ditch a best friend from petty quarrels, boyfriend snatching, or just plain stupid reasons. I can honestly say that it's been hard for me to find a best friend with whom I can fully commit to labeling a best friend. I hate throwing those words around like nothing, so I always get on edge when I get called a best friend. I know that I can ACT like a best friend, but does that make me one? I WILL be there for you when you need to talk, I WILL be a shoulder to cry on, I WILL laugh with you at your stupid jokes no one else laughs at, and I WILL be the one who will love you unconditionally. But there's more to a best friend that even I cannot fulfill. I won't call you everyday, I won't drive to see you at any time in the day, I won't always take your side, and I won't always agree with you. There are just some things that I cannot do and I get scolded for it. I'm going to address some issues I've come across with my friends that hopefully I can clear up.

1.) I'm sorry that I do not call you everyday, or at least once and a while. Going to school far away really does make a friendship hard, but for some reason it's harder for us. You know that I love you so much and it's hurts me to know how angry you get about me not keeping in contact. But a friendship is two-way street. Don't say that you call or text more often than me because it's not true. We BOTH do not try hard enough and frankly I do not know why that is. I've never felt any less of our friendship but I know you have. I'm not going to apologize anymore because I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to say the same old excuse of me being busy. All I know is that I've always felt that out of all my friends, you were always one I wouldn't have to worry about losing. I've always thought that no matter how long we'd go without talking and see each other that nothing would ever really change. You and I will always be bonded in a special way that none of our other friends can really understand, well except one other...and you know who that is. I love you, and all I want is complete happiness for you and your new family.

2.) I don't even know if you're going to read this but I know you and I are not how we used to be. We both know how that happened and we can't change that now. We just recently started talking again and I think it's good that we are. So much has happened between us and any sight of us being back to the way things were is hard to imagine. I don't hate you, but I'd be lying if I said I was never angry with you. I was always angry with you about something ever since we were little. Stupid stuff mostly, and I think that's how we ended up where we are. I was always a push over with you and I just let you walk all over me. I would never stand up for myself and vocalize what you would do that would make me so angry. I'm not going to say I was perfect in our friendship, I was far from it. I know I've done things that were pretty shitty to you and I've apologized for those. But again, I'm not going to apologize about it now. What's done is done with our past. All I care about is the future and that you live out a happy life doing what you want to do. I'm sure one day we can actually talk face to face again because I will honestly say that I was scared this past summer of hanging out. I was not scared of you, but scared of whether our friendship would fall back into the thing that was just so fragile to begin with. We've had our ups and downs and I think all we can do now is grow from them. I don't mean any of this as a negative is and I do not want you take it that way. I want you to take from this a sense of closure of what happened two summers ago and with how I feel about us.

Now I want to categorize everyone else and say that I love each and everyone of my friends so much. I know that we don't talk all the time and I know that being apart hurts our friendship. But what we've built together, whether it be friendship or acquaintance, I feel any connection is better than none.

I guess I've said my piece about that.


*Title quote from Titanic*

Well, furthermore, I love you all so much and you are so beautiful. I hope that one day we can all look back on our lives and be happy at the way things played out. I've come to accept the fact that no one is perfect, not even your best friend. I just hope that I can come close to that one day. :-)

We're All Pretty Bizarre. Some of Us Are Just Better at Hiding it, That's All.

As my summer comes to an end, the excitement of school sets in. There is nothing more I want than to go to school and see all my friends. Finishing my last year at CWU will be the icing on the cake; I cannot wait to see what the world has in store for me after graduation. Even though this is a happy time in my life, I will be deeply saddened at what I'll be leaving behind. Ellensburg is such a quaint and lovely town and I miss it every time I'm away. Central has been a home away from home and I feel like I will be losing a big part of me when I leave for good. All of the close friends I've made over the past three years have been such a treasure to get to know. Our differences really make us who we are! I mean we're all ranging from film productions, retail management, primate studies, chemistry, EMT/Fire Fighting, broadcast, and graphic design. How much more can we be diverse? I love how college has really challenged us to be more than we can be, and how it's teaching us to become better adults and to live our lives away from any crutches we established as children. This last year here will test me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. I feel that I developed so many relationships and friendships that have impacted my life where it has changed forever...


Thank you guys,
Much love.


*Title quote from The Breakfast Club*

Dumbledore Trusted Me To See This Through.

Tonight is the night where it all ends...the final Harry Potter film is released. I have been waiting for this day for years. I understand it's a little childish, dumb, and even stupid. I don't care, I love this franchise and growing up with it was all the best. Now with my Deathly Hallows shirt on and my wand in hand, I leave on a journey to Longston Place to watch the end unravel.


I will most likely be watching this movie every week until it comes out on DVD.


See you all later!


love, Becca.


*Title quote from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows*

That's All I Have To Say About That.

So, my goal of writing in this everyday has NOT been going well, but at least I'll try and write in it as often as I can.
So summer has officially started...2 weeks ago. I feel like it's been an eternity though; I don't hang out with my friends at home that often since everyone has either moved, lives too far away, or works a lot. I'm trying not to complain though, I think I can try and find things to fill up my time. I am taking a summer online course in Media Aesthetics. Pain in my ass really, I know that it's a 5 credit class and there's a lot of work, but I forgot that it's all crammed into 6 weeks instead of the regular 10. I suppose I can't  complain about that either because I actually want some time this summer not worrying about school. The work is dreadful; reading 3 or 4 chapters, taking 3 or 4 quizzes on said chapters, watch lectures and videos, watching a film, post a 600 word essay on the film on the week's topic, also post questions about it, and reply with two responses to others'....all in 4 days of the week. If you don't, the work is only worth 50%. Totally lame.


Not having a car really puts a damper on my summer as well; also no complaints. I've gone 5 years without one of my own I think I can last a little longer. I've really wanted to start up my golf game again this summer, but I haven't had a chance to go to the driving range yet. I feel like I need to commit to something and stick with it, and hopefully golf will be just that.


Other than those downfalls, my summer has been going good. Sticking to a diet and workout plan is hard, but I need to be in better shape and health. I've always been a big girl and it's time for a change. I want to feel good about myself, not that I haven't been before, just want to feel better about myself! I've had to cut out a lot of my favorite stuff, but I wouldn't mind sneaking a few of those once and a while. Hmmm, speaking of my favorite foods...Italian food sounds SO good right now...like pizza....or Jenna's mom's spaghetti!!! yummy...


I've got really great plans this summer, well up until August, then I'm pretty much free. I just hope that this summer goes by a little faster, I can't wait until school starts up again. :-)


*Title quote from Forrest Gump*

Two for Flinching!

So I'm laying down, it's currently 11:06 PM. I'm just about to go to bed when I decided to write a blog. I've been thinking a lot lately about life. More specifically about being 20 years old. It really sucks, I mean you right at the point in life where no one over 21 is going to take you seriously until you're 21 years old; and everyone younger than you think you're lame because you can't buy them booze. That's rude ya'll. Speaking of taking people seriously...have you ever felt that no matter what you do no one is ever going to take you seriously? I feel like that all the time. I mean I put myself out there as the funny girl, I tell a pretty groovy joke every now and then, and I think I've developed a sort of..."class clown" feel. I mean I could totally wrong here and I'm over-analyzing people's reaction towards me. Nevertheless, I'll go with my gut and say that when people hear "Becca" they think of how funny I am, or that I'm a little bit of a goof, or that I'm crazy, or weird...or crazy weird...something like that. How do you break that image? I mean, don't get me wrong here I love being the goof, crazy, weird lady that'll most likely live with 37 cats in the mountains by myself, but I mean do I get taken seriously when I'm trying to be? Who knows, I'm just venting here. I definitely don't want to end up being a stuck-up or anything, I'd just hate to be thought of as sort of a kid. I feel like that sometimes, I see it in the way people talk and look at me. I guess  it might become inevitable. Oh well, I think I'm going to change into my footie-pajamas and go to bed. :-)


*Title quote from Stand By Me*

There's Something Fantastic About That, Isn't There?

So, I'm officially starting my first blog. Let's see how this works out for me, I'm not very good at committing to anything. Then again, which 20 year old in their right mind can commit to anything other than underage drinking, procrastinating their homework, and Facebook. Well I'm glad to say that I guess I'm a regular 20 year old trying to make her way through college. College...what a wonderful life I've been living here. It's one of these experiences that I can't fully explain in mere muggle words. I've got a year or two tops left here and all I want to do is make them last forever. 'Cause I know when I'm done, it's done. I mean that's what happens when you move on from a milestone in your life right? I mean do you remember high school? High School?? Wow, I haven't thought about high school in so long. I mean there's the few individuals that you stay in touch with and see on occasion, but high school seems a memory that came and gone like a deer you see in the woods. It's almost a myth, a legend you hear of...a tale that you tell your children about years later. They ask you about what your life was like at their age...I mean I asked my parents that question all the time. Who cares?! The only thing that matters is that they lived that life, and you live that life, and your kids will live that life. It goes on and on for generations. 


But that's life right? There are days where I wish my life were like a movie. I guess that's why my fascination with movies is so intense. I mean come on, who doesn't want to walk outside on their 16th birthday to see the coolest guy in school outside wanting to spend the day with you. Who wouldn't want to embark on a journey to see a dead body only to discover how truly meaningful a friendship is. And when would you ever deny the chance to go to magical world where people fly on brooms, where homework consists of turning animals into water goblets, and feasting on meals fit for a king and his dom. The first time I watched Fantastic Mr. Fox, I fell in love with the film. I'm not sure why, there was something about the style and dialogue I loved so much. It was this night when I started my blog that I realized exactly why I loved Fantastic Mr. Fox, but more specifically a line that was said. "There's something fantastic about that, isn't there?" That is exactly how I feel about the way I see the world. I don't know if it's normal, or if it's just me, but I see the world like my own movie. It's almost like writing my own movie script ending, I know how I want it to end: full of love, happiness, and with life. It's the filling in the middle where the mystery lies. 


*Title quote from Fantastic Mr. Fox*